I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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