I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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