it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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