I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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