i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
