the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
