My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
