I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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