I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
