i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
