I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
