it hurts more in the daytime
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
