The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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