I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
