you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
