i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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