You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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