my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
