1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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