Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
vagina is talking i cant
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
