At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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