Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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