what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
