I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
