I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
