I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you had me at cake vodka
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
