...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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