the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
