Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
