We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
