Please, let me fuck your mom
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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