If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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