I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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