Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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