I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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