No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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