I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
