So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
