She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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