i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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