I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
