god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
