So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
