I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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