dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
