I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bring money and cleavage
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
