Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
