the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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