she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
