if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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