I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
